Free Shipping on Orders Over $129! And I’m Sorry for Everything: FSW Weekly Deals

Posted on August 30, 2013
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Zounds, my little lunchable snack packs, did you see that headline? It says free shipping on orders over $129!

Now, I know I sometimes tell you about free shipping, and then I give you like a bunch of addendums about how I’m actually only talking about free shipping on certain kinds of bar refrigeration or some such thing like that. For that, I am sorry. You do not deserve to be jerked around. Only a jerk would jerk around kind, considerate, thoughtful readers like you. You’re a catch, readers. I know I don’t tell you that enough.

And that is why I’m here to say: I have changed my ways. I will from now until the end of my tenure at FSW never again tell you there is free shipping unless there is like some really serious free shipping. The kind of free shipping you can rely on in a pinch. Free shipping that does more than send you a check on your birthday, you know what I mean? Free shipping you can set your watch to. Free shipping that does not discriminate.*

That’s the kind of free shipping we’ve got going on here, from now until the end of the day on Wednesday, September 4. Doesn’t that sound great? And how about a sub-header for the skimmers? I care about skimmers too.

Free Shipping on Orders Over $129! Thank you for skimming with us today. I love you, blog skimmers!

But not as much as the rest of you. Hahaha! Oh the beauty of it is that the skimmers will never even know that I said that! See? That’s what they get for skimming.

And now, a series of pictures indicating joy over free shipping and/or my extreme contrition at all the terrible things I’ve said to you in the past.

remorse

Let’s start with contrition. I’m sorry! I’m sorry about all those lies I told you and also for the terrible things I’ve done to your slippers. They just… they looked at me the wrong way. I can’t stand that.

joy

Joy! Free Shipping!

regret

I do not deserve to live.

free shipping

Free Shipping!

contrite-weiner

I recognize that I have no one to blame but myself.

joy 2

But then again… Free Shipping!

There you have it, friends. Free shipping on orders over $129. And also, all of my horrible, dreadful regrets about our relationship. I know there is nothing I can do about it now, but I hope someday you will look back on our time together with something other than pure, unalloyed bitterness. For I truly care about you. And I will miss our time together. Until I return at a potential mysterious date in the future for the next installment of FSW Weekly Deals. Bye! And don’t forget to watch your backs.

 

*Well, it discriminates a little bit. Against people who live in Alaska and Hawaii. And people who want to buy furniture. Sorry, we like you and stuff but we just can’t afford to ship to you for free. Maybe next time? Also it discriminates against people who need liftgate. That is not included.

Sara Henderson (54 Posts)



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